I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
