Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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