I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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