So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
im about as happy as oj after his trial
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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