Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
