shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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