Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
