Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
