I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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