I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
