The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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