I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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