2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Randomize
