im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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