He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
The dick lei will go down in squad history
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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