he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
