Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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