I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
