the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
