I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
