despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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