Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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