just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize