I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
