my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
