nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
