final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
