My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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