Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
