i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
