the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
