woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
BRING THE BAGELS
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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