So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
We named our party play list daddy issues
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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