I feel great
I just peed on a car
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
