That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
