More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Your dad touched me again.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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