I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
