Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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