I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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