If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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