you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
