so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
