You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
