How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
