Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
