i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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