Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Ketchup is God's man juice
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
