im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I want to walk on stilts...naked
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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