I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It's never too late to be topless.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
