just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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