The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We left an ass print on the piano.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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