hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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